I’m so proud of Zeta. She has been telling Nita about all the fun things she will get to enjoy at elementary school and she promised to sit next to her on the bus and to play with her at recess.  So yesterday that is exactly what she did. And the girls told me when they parted ways in the morning Zeta gave her little sister a kiss and told her to meet her at the blue bars at recess.

Then this morning? The second day of school for my big kindergartner? Well, she walked ahead of us to the bus stop and when the bus pulled up she climbed right on. Didn’t even turn around to wave. Not so much as a “See ya,” much less a hug or a kiss! I just can’t believe this. Not that she’s shy or afraid, but she’s definitely not quite as confident as her big sister (but really, who among us is?). And the big sister insists on kisses and hugs at the bus stop. To the point where you’re like, “Ok! Enough already! You aren’t going off to war! I’ll see you at 3pm!” But not Nita. Nope. She didn’t even look at us out the window as the bus pulled away.

She’s pretty excited for school and I’m pretty excited for her.

The real thing that no one tells you? What little freaks these kids are! I read one time that parenting a toddler is like having a bipolar drunk for a boss. You never know what mood she’ll be in or what crazy thing she’s going to insist you do for her.  It is my humble opinion that truer words were never written. I mean one minute your 2 year old is giggling and kissing you, putting her little toes in your face and saying “Piggies!” with complete glee while you do “this little piggy . . ” on her toes. The next? She snatches her foot away, screams as loudly as she can and hurls a toy at your head.

I have a very close and dear friend who likens the parent-child relationship to an abusive spouse and battered wife relationship. Spot on. I mean they yell at us that the toast isn’t toasted enough and we clamor right over to the table full of apologies and quickly putting in the toaster before they throw their plate at us. Socks aren’t on just so? I’ll fix them. Hold on! I’ll line up the seam the way you like it across your toes! Just don’t rip them off and have a complete meltdown. We’ve only got 5 minutes to get in the car and make it to school on time!

No one tells you that you will pour a glass of milk, then a glass of apple juice and finally a glass of water all for the same child. Because when you are kidless you smugly think to yourself, “Like hell I will. Why is this dummy doing what a 3 year old tells her to?!” Because I’m being held hostage by the 3 year old. I will do what it takes to make it out alive, people. Alive and with most of my marbles still intact.  No we don’t do everything they want us to nor do I always change out the milk for the juice. There are plenty of times when I say (yell), “You asked me for milk and I poured you milk and you are going to drink it!” But? Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. You have to pick your battles.

Which is why you will sometimes see a child wearing a batman costume when it isn’t Halloween. Or another child wearing the same shirt 3 days in a row. Or a mom carrying a red sippy cup into a restaurant because it is the only cup her child will drink from. These little freaks darling kids of ours have to take baths, brush their teeth, put on a jacket when it’s cold and eat their veggies. So instead of fighting with our kids all the time, sometimes you have to say “fuck it” and let them wear their fanciest dress to school.

No one tells you that you will have to sing made up songs to your child that only he knows the words to, but if you don’t get the words right he’ll yell. No one tells you that you will have to blow dry your hair with your kid in the bathroom with you. And that he’ll have to have his blanket, Legos and another blanket with him. And that you will have to position yourself on the edge of the tub so that your legs cover him.

No one tells you that your sweet girl who managed to make it through her 2nd and 3rd years without being terrible and worse than terrible will turn into a freak when she’s 4 and it’ll only get worse when she’s 5.

I’m telling you now. But I know that if you don’t have children or if your child hasn’t started in with the bipolar-alcoholic-abusive-spouse behavior yet, you aren’t going to believe me. That’s fine. I was once smug too.

It’s too much togetherness for me and my girls and I think we’re all sick of it. I know I am. How many times can I pick up and put away the same toys and clothes? Talk about an exercise in frustration. And all the damn laundry I have to do because someone (Zeta) likes to change her clothes at least 3x a day.  This isn’t Dynasty kid! Put on an outfit and leave it on.

And the constant noise. Oh. My. God. First of all, they are all just loud (no idea where they could have gotten that from), but if they are fighting with each other (which is about 80% of the time) they are even louder. And of course there are other kids in the mix as well. The neighbors, the classmates that come over for playdates – and they are all loud.  Don’t get me wrong – I love having kids over. They keep my own kids off my back and usually they get along better when someone else is in the mix. I just wish they weren’t quite so loud.  I can’t hear myself think.  Why do little girls love to scream? Do boys do that too?  Poor Jemima can’t get a decent nap. Because although it is summer and the weather has been nice, it’s next to impossible to get them to play outside.

What is wrong with kids? I used to stay outside all damn day. These kids want to play inside with their toys and games. Which is all well and good, but really? After months and months and months of rain you don’t want to go out and feel the sun on your face? I don’t get this. And then there is the guilt because in order to steal some time for myself I will let them park themselves in front of the TV to play Little Big Planet on the PS3 for hours at a time. What? I can’t always take them somewhere or play with them?! (I had all these great plans to help Nita with her reading and to have them do work books over the summer to get ready for K and 2nd grade. None of that went on).

I can’t wait to get their butts up and out early! And Nita will be gone all day too!!! Do you have any idea how excited I a about this?! Yes, it’s bittersweet because she’s starting Kindergarten and that is a major milestone. But also? This is the first time ever I will have a 2 year old and no one else at home. Not a 2 year old and one year old, not a 2 year old and 3 year old. Just the 2 year old alone with the mama everyday! I’m really looking forward to that. Taking one child to the park, to the Children’s Museum and the library. Having complete quiet while she naps. Not having to pick anyone up from school! And the two of them coming and going at the same time! And together!! I can’t wait to see them get on the bus together for the first time.

They’ll come home from school and there will only be a few hours for homework, chores and play before dinner, bath and bed!! And they’ll be so damn tired from getting up so early and being in school all day that they’ll fall fast asleep! No more late nights where the night owl is up longer than the parents. Yippee!!

I’m feeling calmer just thinking about. And of course the start of school signals the beginning of fall. We’re so excited to pick apples and pumpkins, see the leaves turn the beautiful colors of autumn and wear sweaters and boots!

So what do I use as the cure-all in our house? Aquaphor. Before I had a child I never knew this stuff existed. Now I don’t think I could live without it. They gave it to me in the hospital after I had my babies. I put it on their little bums but also on my cracked nipples. It works for everything.  Your sister scratched you? Put some Aquaphor on it? Your lips are sunburned, windburned, chapped? A little Aquaphor will fix that right up. You’ve got a bug bite you can’t stop itching? Well slap a little Aquaphor on there. Third degree burns? Sliced your finger off? Get the Aquaphor! Seriously, it’s great for everything. Cuts, scraps, diaper rash, dry skin, chapped skin, whatevs.  Me too. I use it for everything.  I buy it by the tub. At Costco. And I’m encouraged by our pediatrician to do this. Zeta had a skin irritation and I told him I’d been putting Aquaphor on it. You know what he said? “Perfect.” And then wrote me a prescription for something else. But still. It was perfect until I could get the stronger stuff.

So what’s your miracle cure-all?

Last night’s episode was great. This is one of the rare shows that just gets better and better with each season and each episode.  Betty is so hard to relate to and so hard to feel any compassion for. Particularly last night when she slapped her 10 year old daughter across the face for cutting her hair and then wished her ex husband dead because it had happened on his watch. But when she was speaking to the therapist she hired to help her daughter (because the girl was “playing with herself” at a friend’s house), we got a little glimpse into why the ex Mrs. Draper is so fucked up. She’s  oppressed and repressed and mired in her own notion of what is right and what is wrong and what a family should look and act like. She is so completely out of touch with her feelings and emotions she can only rage or ruminate in negativity.  I hope she takes Sally’s therapist’s advice and gets herself a counselor.

How much do you love Roger Sterling? He was quite an asshole on last night’s episode but you gotta admit, the man gets the best lines (and delivers them so well)! I love the interaction between him and Joan. No one else can put him in his place and bring him to his senses so calmly and with such ease.

And exactly how much of a genius is our Joanie? I mean how brilliant was she trying to hire the competition’s director to film a non-existent commercial for Sterling Cooper Draper Price and telling the director to keep it all hush hush? She’s good. And it seems that little scheme worked. What of Don’s $3,000 check for the Honda Execs?

How hilariously annoying is Don’s new secretary? She announces to Don and the company at large that his daughter’s psychiatrist called. She gets annoyed with him because she doesn’t know how to work the intercom system. But the best is that despite her complete lack of competence, Don is stuck with her. Why? Because anyone younger, prettier and eager to please would surely be seduced by Don. There has already been enough of that.

What were your favorite lines last night? I loved when the Honda guys were blatantly staring at Joan’s rack and Joan said, “They’re not subtle are they?” to Pete. And the translator replied while staring at her tits, “No, they’re not.” Ha!  And of course the title of this post. Roger is so witty.

Big Daddy doesn’t have a cell phone because, well there is no good reason. There is only Big Daddy Logic and that never makes any sense to anyone with any sense, except Big Daddy. So what does this have to do with my mother-in-law? She refused to believe he doesn’t have his own cell phone. To the point where she wanted to know if he thought she was from Mars and a few other choice comments. (It’s not like there is no phone at all. I have a cell phone that acts as the home phone and is The Phone to contact any of us). Mother-in-law had been told repeatedly that if she wished to speak to Big Daddy she could call my cell phone. After all, he works from home and is usually in possession of the phone.

She worries people will figure out who Big Daddy is so Googles him from time to time and goes 12 pages deep into the google search just to make sure there is no reference to his actual first name on my blog. Why? Who knows.  She thinks if my daughters’ first name is on their luggage a Bad Man will trick them into thinking he knows who they are and will abscond with them! Never mind neither one of us would let anyone of them out of our sight at an airport or anywhere else they’d have their luggage or wouldn’t have their luggage. (And another thing? Anyone within hearing distance will certainly hear me yelling at all of them and get their names that way. And may even lure them away with “What a mean mommy you have. Wouldn’t you like to come home with me and eat chocolate for dinner?!”)

I could go on and on, but I won’t. She’s a loving grandmother and mother who is mired in worry over her grandkids. We all worry. I can relate to that. But, we also have to be reasonable. Danger and Bad Men are more likely to be  in your neighborhood, child’s school, Girl Scout Troop and family than some stranger. So we use common sense and we do our best to keep our girls safe. Of course we do. Because? As much as I may lead you to believe so, I’m not really drunk and/or passed out 24 hours a day. I actually kinda like my kids and would like to keep them around.

Her latest worry is that becuase I have my current home town (Bainbridge Island, WA in case you missed it) on this blog, someone will track me down and find me! Gasp! And steelsteal my kids!  Cause you know? They’re so gorgeous and there aren’t any other kids that are easy pickins for these Bad Men. Well, MIL welcome to the age of The Internet and Technology. If you’re phone number is listed in a phone book along with your address anyone can Google your name and get your address. Any sicko who has access to your kid’s classroom roster can get your email address, phone number and physical address. It’s just not that hard to track people down these days. Just ask a predator. But also? Very few people read this blog other than friends, family and friends of friends and family. So exactly which one of you is the pedophile?

OK, so what makes this all so annoying to me that I have resorted to public scolding and humiliations (mine, not hers) in order to vent? It’s the amount of these kinds of emails and phone calls expressing her concern and paranoia.  Her son and I have both told her over the years to butt out. To worry as much as she wants, but keep it to herself. We’ve got it under control (most of the time). Still she emails and calls with her worries. Also? We’ve explained how with 3 little kids we don’t have a lot of free time for chatting her up on the phone. Yet, it took her months to stop calling AT THE EXACT TIME WE TOLD HER NOT TO CALL and even then she pulled my husband aside and wanted to know just exactly what was going on that we wouldn’t answer the phone.  What could she possibly think is going on? She always wants to know what she’s done to offend us or make us mad. What could she possibly have done from 3000 miles away? The paranoia is deep, see?  Sure, we’re mad then. After we’ve explained ad nauseum why we can’t always answer the phone when she calls and why it might take a day or two to return a call. (She’s only calling to shoot the shit, btw, it’s not like it’s anything urgent). We weren’t mad before that when instead of answering the phone we were trying to cook dinner, get 3 kids to sit at the table and eat, or bathing them or trying to get them all jammied, read to and in bed. And? We told her to quit Googling Big  Daddy, not to inspect my blog so much and to generally butt out and still she sends these emails. So maybe this will get her to stop.

If not? It felt good to get it all down. And? I’m by no means the ideal daughter-in-law, I know this. I’m an asshole (don’t act so shocked) and tend to say exactly what’s on my mind (no really, I do). Doesn’t always go over well with people in general, much less family.  I think I might have told her husband  to “fuck off” once. But to be fair, he referred to me as a “bimbo” once. Before he even met me! (Yeah, yeah, I may have been a bit of a bimbo, but that’s beside the point).

Ah, the mama relaxing on the hammock with her birthday girls.  Sweet, no? And looks comfy and relaxing too, right? Such a nice hammock. Makes you wish you had one in your backyard. Yeah. Well, not too long after this picture was taken I broke the damn thing. And my ass too.

The girls were playing in the yard and I was lounging alone in the hammock. I spied Big Daddy sitting on the patio with our friend and called him over. See, I thought it would be nice and a little romantic to lie in the hammock together and gaze lovingly upon our gorgeous girls. Well, Big Daddy got in and the whole thing crumbled under our weight. You know – two big elephants trying to balance on a strip of fabric really isn’t the best idea.

So down we went and I landed on a metal bar. And now there is a big purple bruise on my busted ass and it’s a bit swollen. You know what Big Daddy said when I showed him my injury? “And I didn’t think your ass could look any worse.” Such a funny guy.  Our falling was pretty funny too. Even we were laughing when it happened. Our one witness said it was a great show and too bad we didn’t have it on film.

But? We felt (and still feel) terrible about this! We just met our hosts that weekend and we break their hammock. First we drank all their wine and beer the night before and then we break their shit. Yeah, we’re great house guests.  They are the nicest people and were so gracious about it, but really we feel like jackasses. I’ll figure something out. Some sort of thank you for having us/sorry about busting up your hammock with my giant ass gift.

Favorite post this week:
I just love her and everything she writes. She’s so damn funny. Once you read this post you’ll know why I love her so.

New Favorite Blog:
Again, this guy is really funny. But also? I like that it’s from a dad’s prospective. There are a lot of great mommy blogs out there, but not too many from the daddy’s point of view.

Favorite from my own blog
It’s hard to toot my own horn. And I’m really not sure which is my favorite. I suppose I could go check my stats and see which post garnered the most traffic. But I’m picking this one because I think it’s funny and well written. And? It’s one of my first posts, so I don’t think as many people have read it. Thought I might give this one a bit more exposure.

Enjoy!

Big Daddy, stone sober (home with the girls while I was out getting liquored up with a friend) seems to be taking my drunken question seriously: “Alcohol.”

Me, drunk and feeling vindicated cause that was my thought too: “Right! Cause where would we be as a society without alcohol? I’d probably be in a corner of a padded room drooling, rocking back and forth and repeating, “Because I said so!” for all eternity.”

Big Daddy, very seriously as though he has given this whole thing much thought, “Because there would be no hookers without alcohol.” Ah, he’s got me there.

1. Talk Up School I like to remind the girls how great it will be to see all of their friends they’ve missed over the summer. I remind them how much fun they’ll have and how they will also meet new friends and have a new teacher. My middle girl is starting Kindergarten so I’m telling her how great that will be and how exciting for everything to be new. She’s looking forward to riding the bus with her big sister, so I have Zeta tell her all about that too.

2. Ease back into a schedule  We all know how hard it is to go from sleeping in to getting up early. When you have to get up early,  you have to go to bed early. I don’t know how it is for you at your house, but summer doesn’t have the same bed time as during the school year. Also? We let the girls go to sleep in our bed (and then move them to their own) during the summer. It would be impossible to go from staying up til 10pm or later to going to bed at 7:30pm literally over night. So starting a couple weeks before school, we enforce the earlier bedtime a few nights a week.

3. Read to them  I take the girls to the library and have them pick out books about school.  Nita’s been reading about Kindergarten and the first day of school. This helps build the anticipation and excitement for the start of the school year. I also talk up their school library and how much fun it will be to get to go there every week.

4. School Shopping When all else fails to get them revved up for the new school year, I take them shopping. Nothing like a new pair of shoes and a few cute outfits to make a girl ready to hit the books. And of course the school supplies. I don’t know about you, but I loved getting a new Trapper Keeper every year and pencils and all that stuff. My kids do too.

5. After School Activities  When I hear that old refrain “I’m bored” I remind them how busy they’ll be once school starts! What with all the after school programs like, Chess, Science and Girl Scouts. And all the play dates we’ll be scheduling as well.

6. Party I like to have a little end of summer/start of school party for the girls. This really gets them pumped for back to school.

What are some of your tips for getting the kids ready to hit the books?

I wrote this blog post while participating in the TwitterMoms blogging program to be eligible to get a HarperCollins book set. For more information on how you can participate, click here