Lower Your Expectations

I’m trying to get to a place of Zen and to stay there more often. So not easy for me with all my control issues and up-tightness. And the 3 kids. And two cats. And the husband. But, I am trying. And to that end I have learned a trick for dealing with the kids. Ready? Here it is:

Lower your expectations.  Let go.  I know, it’s not as easy as it sounds. Trust me, I  know. But really?  It’s not all that hard. Don’t expect too much from your child and you won’t be disappointed (read: frustrated, angry, stressed) when things don’t go so well. Just assume that when you head out, there will be at least one melt down from at least one of them. I mean really, who likes to sit and wait for 45 minutes at the dentist office? Not me. So I certainly can’t expect my 2.5 year old to sit quietly while her big sister gets her teeth cleaned. Who among us doesn’t fall apart a little bit when the blood sugar starts to dip? Be patient with them if you know they’re hungry and/or tired.  Oh that reminds me. In addition to lowering my expectations and letting go, bringing snacks is a must.

When I am expecting or wanting certain behavior from my girls I feel stressed. Before we even leave the house. And I am positive that they pick up on this and feel stressed themselves. So then we are all acting out. I’m snapping and snipping at the tiniest of wrongs and they are defensive and moody. So? When you have 1.5 minutes to get out the door and your toddler wants to put her coat and boots on herself? Let her. Take a deep breath, smile and let her have at it. If she can’t get them on, she is much more likely to let you help than if you had tried to manhandle her in the first place.  Your 7 year old wants to skip in the library? Well, don’t let her do this. But don’t let yourself get pissed off. Just tell her quietly and calmly that’s not allowed. The 6 year old is crying because the 2 year old threw a puzzle piece at her head? Take a deep breath, gently scold the 2 year old and give the 6 year old a hug. And tell her to shake it off.

Hmmm, deep breathing might have to go on the list too.

Shit happens and your kids are definitely going to act up or out at least sometimes when you take them out in public. It’s best for all involved if you don’t put pressure on them (or yourself) to behave perfectly. No, we don’t want them to throw a fit, pick fights with other kids or generally act like an asshole. But a little age-appropriate misbehavior is ok. In fact, it’s to be expected. So make that your expectation. I know that for me, when I get all agro and come from a place of anger when I am trying to deal with these situations, my girls get defensive and it only gets worse. It becomes a power play. If I can stay calm and not get angry, they are very receptive. Even while being scolded.  Being reprimanded doesn’t feel as bad when Mommy’s not turning red and hurling insults at them.

We need to quit feeling like it’s a sign of what horrible parents we are when the kids act up a bit. It’s normal. No, that doesn’t mean we just let it slide, but it does mean it’s not the end of the world. We don’t need to fall apart because of it. Or not go out in public for fear they will embarrass us. Every parent is embarrassed by their kid. Just go with it.  Lower those expectations.

Now, if I could just figure out a way not to stress about those damn Girl Scout cookies!