Take My Mother-in-Law. Please.

As far as mothers-in-law go, I’ve got a pretty good one. She would never tell me how to raise my kids (although clearly someone should), in fact she praises her son and I on what a fine job we are doing as parents. She is a big fan of the blog (Sorry for what’s ahead, Big Daddy’s mom) and lavishes compliments on me and my writing. She’s a wonderful grandmother and the girls are very fortunate to have her. Also? She’s on the other side of the country and can’t just pop in. A definite plus in any extended familial relationship.  On the other hand? She’s a wee bit on the paranoid side.

Big Daddy doesn’t have a cell phone because, well there is no good reason. There is only Big Daddy Logic and that never makes any sense to anyone with any sense, except Big Daddy. So what does this have to do with my mother-in-law? She refused to believe he doesn’t have his own cell phone. To the point where she wanted to know if he thought she was from Mars and a few other choice comments. (It’s not like there is no phone at all. I have a cell phone that acts as the home phone and is The Phone to contact any of us). Mother-in-law had been told repeatedly that if she wished to speak to Big Daddy she could call my cell phone. After all, he works from home and is usually in possession of the phone.

She worries people will figure out who Big Daddy is so Googles him from time to time and goes 12 pages deep into the google search just to make sure there is no reference to his actual first name on my blog. Why? Who knows.  She thinks if my daughters’ first name is on their luggage a Bad Man will trick them into thinking he knows who they are and will abscond with them! Never mind neither one of us would let anyone of them out of our sight at an airport or anywhere else they’d have their luggage or wouldn’t have their luggage. (And another thing? Anyone within hearing distance will certainly hear me yelling at all of them and get their names that way. And may even lure them away with “What a mean mommy you have. Wouldn’t you like to come home with me and eat chocolate for dinner?!”)

I could go on and on, but I won’t. She’s a loving grandmother and mother who is mired in worry over her grandkids. We all worry. I can relate to that. But, we also have to be reasonable. Danger and Bad Men are more likely to be  in your neighborhood, child’s school, Girl Scout Troop and family than some stranger. So we use common sense and we do our best to keep our girls safe. Of course we do. Because? As much as I may lead you to believe so, I’m not really drunk and/or passed out 24 hours a day. I actually kinda like my kids and would like to keep them around.

Her latest worry is that becuase I have my current home town (Bainbridge Island, WA in case you missed it) on this blog, someone will track me down and find me! Gasp! And steelsteal my kids!  Cause you know? They’re so gorgeous and there aren’t any other kids that are easy pickins for these Bad Men. Well, MIL welcome to the age of The Internet and Technology. If you’re phone number is listed in a phone book along with your address anyone can Google your name and get your address. Any sicko who has access to your kid’s classroom roster can get your email address, phone number and physical address. It’s just not that hard to track people down these days. Just ask a predator. But also? Very few people read this blog other than friends, family and friends of friends and family. So exactly which one of you is the pedophile?

OK, so what makes this all so annoying to me that I have resorted to public scolding and humiliations (mine, not hers) in order to vent? It’s the amount of these kinds of emails and phone calls expressing her concern and paranoia.  Her son and I have both told her over the years to butt out. To worry as much as she wants, but keep it to herself. We’ve got it under control (most of the time). Still she emails and calls with her worries. Also? We’ve explained how with 3 little kids we don’t have a lot of free time for chatting her up on the phone. Yet, it took her months to stop calling AT THE EXACT TIME WE TOLD HER NOT TO CALL and even then she pulled my husband aside and wanted to know just exactly what was going on that we wouldn’t answer the phone.  What could she possibly think is going on? She always wants to know what she’s done to offend us or make us mad. What could she possibly have done from 3000 miles away? The paranoia is deep, see?  Sure, we’re mad then. After we’ve explained ad nauseum why we can’t always answer the phone when she calls and why it might take a day or two to return a call. (She’s only calling to shoot the shit, btw, it’s not like it’s anything urgent). We weren’t mad before that when instead of answering the phone we were trying to cook dinner, get 3 kids to sit at the table and eat, or bathing them or trying to get them all jammied, read to and in bed. And? We told her to quit Googling Big  Daddy, not to inspect my blog so much and to generally butt out and still she sends these emails. So maybe this will get her to stop.

If not? It felt good to get it all down. And? I’m by no means the ideal daughter-in-law, I know this. I’m an asshole (don’t act so shocked) and tend to say exactly what’s on my mind (no really, I do). Doesn’t always go over well with people in general, much less family.  I think I might have told her husband  to “fuck off” once. But to be fair, he referred to me as a “bimbo” once. Before he even met me! (Yeah, yeah, I may have been a bit of a bimbo, but that’s beside the point).