Wedding Bell Blues

A friend was talking about how excited she is to plan her wedding. She told me that she never really enjoyed going to weddings, but once it became her own she was extremely into all the planning and shopping. Me? I’m the opposite. I have always loved going to weddings. It’s such fun! Everyone is so happy and there is copious amounts of alcohol and cake. And dancing! Drunken, cake laden dancing! What’s not to love?

But when it came to my wedding? I didn’t want one. Do not be mistaken – I wanted to be married, I just didn’t want a wedding. To me it seems like a goddamn headache. For a lot of money. So Big Daddy and I began planning the smallest, simplest wedding in history. Including the wedding party, there would be 20 people total. We were to be married on the beach in La Jolla followed by a sit down dinner at a nearby restaurant.

That’s not what happened. Because? As soon as we started planning this simplest of weddings all hell broke loose.  It is my opinion that weddings bring out the worst in people.  My mother drove me bats and my soon-to-be mother-in-law drove me equally batty. Two lovely women whom up until then I had adored. Suddenly my future mother-in-law wants to know what my colors are. My colors? Lady, I’m marrying your son on the beach with my best friend and his brother standing up for us. There are no colors!  My mother is warning me that with my father’s illness they really can’t plan anything in advance. He might not be able to walk me down the aisle or to be there at all. My betrothed’s mother suddenly insists we invite relatives of hers/Big Daddy’s that we don’t want there. Not because we don’t love and care about them, but because we are trying to have a small wedding. She claims they won’t come, but should be invited. Who invites people hoping they won’t come? My mother would like us to scale back on the guest list. Do you believe this? Do you see how crazy these two were making me?!

It all came to a head when Big Daddy’s mama demanded we invite her relatives. We had to at least plan on them coming. So my cake had to be twice the size. My mother demanded the other mother pay for these guests’ meals at the luncheon following the ceremony. Big Daddy and I were already on edge. So that was it. We said not very nice things about each other and each other’s mothers and then Big Daddy called off the wedding.

That’s right. He. Called. Off. The. Wedding. I made him call my mother and his too and explain. Then I told him to get the eff out of the apartment.  Drama people. I’m all about the drama. I regrettably ripped up every single picture I had of him or us. This was before digital cameras and scanners. I know. 

But guess what? He came crawling back to me that night. Literally. He was so drunk he crawled across our bedroom floor to our bed and pleaded his case. He said he was just so fucking sick of the wedding bullshit. He didn’t want to taste cakes and look at menus! He didn’t want to rent a tux and write his vows! He didn’t want to listen to me bitch about how our mothers were making me crazy. He simply wanted to be married to me.

So the next day we called in sick to work. Well, I called in sick. Big Daddy called in to say he’d be late. Because he was stopping at the County Clerk’s office to get married. They gave him the day off.  That’s right,  I put on a simple blue silk sleeveless sheath dress and Big Daddy put on a dapper grey suit and down we went to the Clerk’s office. In California there is no waiting period. So we paid for our marriage license and exchanged vows minutes later. Just the two of us. With the witness provided by the government and the woman performing the ceremony. In a pink building in downtown San Diego over looking the bay. It was the perfect wedding. After all what is more intimate and personal than promising to love and honor each other until you die? It was nice that it was just us. It was, actually, the best decision we’ve ever made.

P.S.  My parents were thrilled I think the inlaws, not so much.  Also? My parents wrote us a check for the amount they were going to spend on the teeny tiny wedding!!