It was a fucking clusterfuck here getting ready for the First Grade Spring Recital! Jesus! Does any other family go through this crap?! The first grader wanted to wear the dress she wore to her father’s and my vow renewal. 18 months ago! It doesn’t fit her now! I could barely get it buttoned, the sash that is supposed to be at her waist is at her chest and it’s several inches too short. So it was full-on teenager meltdown attitude from my 6 year old. “I have nothing to wear!” “That’s not special!” “That’s plain!” OMG! A black skirt with pink roses on it and ruffles at the bottom is plain? Well, I’m not freaking going out and buying her something! We’re supposed to leave in 10 minutes at this point.
I started going through her clothes and decided to let her wear a dress that is really too big for her, but that she wants to wear. Well, she did 10 minutes ago. Now she doesn’t want to wear it and she doesn’t want to go to the recital. There she is. Arms folded across her chest, lip out in an exaggerated pout. Whining and crying that I know nothing about style! She doesn’t want to go. blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile I have actually made her look pretty cute in the dress that is a couple sizes too big by putting one of her belts on her. I even gave her one of my necklaces. Little jackass!
OK, so dig this picture. I swear it’s a goddamn mad house here. All 3 girls and I are in my bathroom. I am trying to get Zeta calmly put together, but the other two hooligans have followed us. I’m trying to talk calmly to Zeta and kiss her ass and get her dressed and dolled up while she is pouting, telling me I know nothing about fashion or style and saying she isn’t going. Nita is jumping up and down in my face telling me how beautiful she is and Jemima is being Jemima. Giggling, running in circles, whatever. So I tell Nita her dress is on backwards. She’s standing in the doorway trying to turn it around. Mind you, it’s a pretty big bathroom and there are several other places she could be doing this. Jemima is at that toddler stage where she loves to close doors. And if anyone is in the way, that is just too damn bad. So she is pushing the door on Nita. Nita is pushing the door open and yelling, “Hey! Ouch! That’s the arm I just got out of a cast!” with the dress still on but covering her face and half off one arm. This goes on over and over and over and over. Finally, I grab Nita by her good arm and say, “Are you crazy!?! Get out of the way!!” and shove her out the door and Jemima slams the door shut! Fuck! Dysfunctional, I know, but jesusfuckingchrist! If you don’t want her to shut the door on you 47 times in 3 minutes, MOVE! Is it that hard to figure out?
So Nita starts bawling, Zeta screams at me that I am the meanest person in the world and she’s not kidding, Jemima is laughing and squealing. Off we go to the recital. One big happy family! Uuughhhh! Shoot me fucking now. On the way Zeta has ripped off her cardigan, belt and my necklace. I get the belt and necklace back on her, at least. Then she shoots me the evil eye and I have to tell you: It’s fucking WEIRD to see yourself giving yourself the evil eye! Does she have to look just like me? (Why yes, yes she does. Because? If she didn’t my mother’s curse prediction of “One day you’ll have a daughter just like you,” wouldn’t be actualized.)
We take Zeta to her classroom. I am desperately trying to smooth things over because I was a bit out of control and didn’t have to yell quite so much. I want her to be happy and have fun. Otherwise I’ll be guilt ridden for life and she’ll end up on some therapist’s couch talking about how I ruined her life. I am offering ice cream after the recital, but she’s not having it. I ask her what it is she would like. You know what she told me? $20! Twenty dollars! In exchange for her forgiveness, when in reality she needs a little forgiveness from me.
The recital was great. All the first graders sounded fantastic and put on quite a show. We really wanted to stay to see the 2nd graders, but it was already Jemima’s bedtime and no way was she going to be quiet through another performance. Instead of $20, I got Zeta to agree to ice cream. And all was right in the world once again.
What the Hell am I going to do when they are 12, 16 and 17?
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3 Responses to Just Your Typical Tuesday
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SITS Girls
When I read this, I laugh.. And then I realize that my sisters and I probably did the same thing to my mother when we were kids. I don’t have kids of my own yet, only stepchildren.
I can’t wait to have kids! haha. Oh god…
This is flippin’ hilarious, I am so caught reading your blog right now because I laughing at my desk. I went through something similar trying to get my two boys out of the house to a dinner playdate yesterday. They needed just the right shirts, no wait, maybe we should wear costumes, now lets fight about which jacket makes the best “bat-wings” while we are walking around the corner to our neighbors. Lot of crying and threatening and running up and down two flights of stairs and me just wanting to get there and open the bottle of champagne I was toting along before it got warm, and no it was no longer chilled by the time we got there but we moms drank it anyway.
ps. no photo?
HAH! Was this her first recital and you didn’t automatically get her a new dress (shoes)? It sounds like you had a great time getting ready. If my son weren’t such a freak about being handsome I would probably have more days like that. His worst is usually that he won’t tuck his stupid shirt in, or he wants to be cute and just not button the shirt. I can’t wait til my girl is here and my son is trying to dress her cute and she manhandles his lil butt into a door or a wall.