Playground Etiquette

San Diego Momma’s Prompt Tuesday is to write a post about etiquette.  So here are a few tips from me on the etiquette of how not to be the Jackass Mom at the park:

1. Don’t ignore the fact that your 11 year old is a bully.  When you hear  him calling the preschoolers names like “cry baby” and telling them to get out of their way while said bully is climbing on top of the play structures (that clearly read “For Children 2 – 7 years”) and then jumping off onto a pile of 5 year olds who are trying to see the baby bunnies under the deck, please tell him to knock it off or you’ll clock him. Or, I don’t know? Take him to an age appropriate park! Like maybe the skate park. Or? How about anywhere that children his own age are gathered.

2. Don’t be passive-aggressive with other children.  When you think your child  has been robbed of her turn on the swing because another child got to it first, albeit by running to it as soon as she saw your kid going towards the swing, do not say to your impressionable little one, “That’s OK, honey. Some kids are completely rude and do not know  how to wait their turn.” Two feet away from the kid you are referring to and  her mother. Instead, tell your child, “Thems the brakes, and next time haul ass.  Meanwhile, stand right here and stare at her until she gets off and gives you a turn.”

3. Do not come to the park looking perfect and completely prepared for every situation.  It’s bad enough you aren’t carrying an extra 10 – 20 lbs around your middle. Please don’t show up at the playground with perfect hair, full make up and some little outfit Gwyneth Paltrow might wear. Yes, of course, I know I said to look good. Get yourself pulled together, and I meant that. Do that. But do not look like you don’t have kids, you’ve never been pregnant and you have 2 hours to get yourself ready. To go to the park. Please. You only make the rest of us feel like shit in our well fitting jeans and t-shirt with just a bit of lip gloss and a brush absent-mindedly pulled through our hair. Also? Please don’t have a myriad of healthy snacks for your child. I for one almost never have anything for my kids to snack on, let alone whole grain, soy bean tofu bars or whatever the hell you got in your bag. My kids are lucky if I can scrape a couple goldfish from the bottom of my purse or a chicken nugget from the carseat. Please. Don’t get crazy. Don’t have sunscreen, hats, and sand toys, trucks, scooters and roller skates.  Also? Don’t have a change of clothes, extra underwear in case of an accident and a first aid kit in your bag. OK? The rest of us average mom types  don’t need to feel inadequate. We already do.

4. Do teach your children to share by setting a good example.  OK, so you have your shit together and that’s just how it is. I and the rest of us average mom types can suck it. Then would you please share with us? When my kid wants to play with your kid’s sand toys, encourage that. If you see my fair skinned red-headed kids getting a little red, please offer some sunscreen. I know, I know. Why should you have to pick up the slack that we slacker moms leave dragging? For the kids, women! For the kids! You can’t stand by and watch a 3 year old cry because her dipshit mom who cannot get it together has forgotten yet again to pack the sand toys. You cannot let a little one get a sunburn because once again her mom left the sunscreen in the other bag! Seriously, I do try to remember to pack these things. I do. Sometimes I even have a snack and sunscreen. Or sand toys and a scooter. But I never have everything. So put a little good out into the universe and help a mama out.